I’ve had this quote on repeat in my mind these last few weeks. A reminder to myself to persevere, to not lose hope, to keep my head up… even in the depth of the valley I find myself in writing this post. This span of never ending uncertainty has been anything but easy. This process to chase my next career step is absolutely grueling. I have submitted a total of 31 applications for the required child life internship to begin this fall, reaching out across 17 states, before awaiting potential interviews. The dreadful ’email check’ multiples times a day, slowly counting the growing number of no’s. I was shocked to have received four interviews, which ignited my nerves to a whole new level within a span of 3 days. And now… I wait. and wait. and wait. Wait for any final news on ‘offer day’, aka May 6th. I like to consider myself a patient person, but this is testing me in a way like never before. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. But any attempt at true rest is harshly disrupted by my anxious thoughts and emotions surrounding this pending decision – completely 100% out of my control.
And that’s the real kicker. This season of waiting, stress, self-doubt, and discouragement – is the ultimate trust fall. God quite literally saying, “You can’t see where this path is going, but I have already designed it perfectly and so much better than you can imagine right now. You have to trust Me.” Easier said than done right?! From my perspective most days I feel like a sitting duck, just floating by trying to appear okay and calm… but in reality is squirming to no end trying not to drown beneath the surface. Well here’s the hard cold truth – you can only tread water at that level of exertion for so long before you just… can’t. And this uncomfortable spot is unfortunately my current status quo. BUT. There’s always opportunity for comeback. for powerful perspective. for a game changer.
One of my all-time favorite outlets is the experience of music. And yes, I said experience for a reason. It’s my escape when I need it most. My safe place to dream, to wander, to sit with hard emotions, to cherish beautiful, memorable moments. My blank canvas of self-expression, my colorful world of new discovery and past nostalgia. I think you get the point here lol. Music is everything to me. It always finds a way to speak to me and get my attention is such unique, personal ways. Almost as if the lyrics put to notes, rhythms, and melodies say precisely what my words cannot. Like an unspoken, dependable line of never ending communication. Well, quite a few songs in particular have stuck out to me in this valley I’m navigating right now, one that I wish to highlight. And I hope it resonates with you in a special way too.
These lyrics never cease to encourage me no matter what my heart might be facing. I think sometimes as a society we’re so quick to jump straight from “This trial is so hard; I’m deeply struggling,” to “Don’t give up. This won’t last forever; You’ll be alright,” without taking a moment to acknowledge and sit in that vulnerable space in between. Not to say that encouragement such as this example is bad at all! But I think the bridge connecting these two sides of a struggle is often overlooked. If I’m being totally honest, I’m guilty of this too. It’s a mindset adjustment I’m working at every day. But as painful and counterintuitive as this idea may seem, I have learned some of the deepest, most valuable truths while allowing myself to be present ‘in the middle’. I held myself to the standard of denying all these challenging emotions for so long, like my mind had deemed them bad, unwanted, weak. But I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that these emotions so quickly stereotyped this way are actually tools and hidden assets. If that sounds a bit crazy, let me explain.
I’ll use crying as an example. If you know me at all, you know just how much of a softie, empath I truly am. I’m the type to resort to crying for all kinds of things – stress, anger, a sad part of a Disney movie I’ve seen a 1,000 times, even an overwhelming happiness. Crying is a natural, built in bodily function. Something that God created in us with a purpose. And I mean more than just hydrating your eyes haha. It’s a pathway, an outlet for our bodies and minds to utilize, to aid our overall well-being. Sure, it definitely comes with its not favorable side effects like the headache, red puffy eyes, and stuffy nose. But overall I’ve learned how to view all the tears as a positive aspect of my journey (most of the time). Another favorite artist of mine, Avery Monet, writes in her song, “We’ll Be Fine,” such a moving line – ‘tears to help my garden grow’. This is exactly the headspace I wish to resort to during those cloudy, stormy days in my life. To reveal to myself that my emotions aren’t weapons against me, but allies to help me. My experiences through this valley are growing and strengthening me for the path that lies ahead.
Well, I have come back to this post about a week after starting it with no further child life internship updates. This fall just isn’t my time yet. And as disappointing as that feels right now, I know God’s timing is always better, and I trust that He will put me exactly where I’m supposed to be. Just as He did before. In the meantime, I will continue to walk this valley with as much grace as possible, one step at a time. This child life dream of mine is still burning bright, it only takes one heart of determination, hard work, and commitment to keep that flame going. My second round of the application process is due in early September, with an offer date of October 7th. Until then, I’ll keep my head up, count my blessings, and continue to pray. And trust Him with all my heart, mind, and soul.
