My journey to redefine ‘new’ in my life.
Words may appear simple. Written or spoken language, they are a foundational piece of our earliest learning moments. Yet at each and every stage of our lives, words hold such significant power. The purpose and meaning behind that power… well… that’s where things get sticky. Words have the ability to bring intense positivity, encouragement, and connection through even the most familiar phrases. “I love you,” “I’m here for you,” or “I’m so thankful for you,” just to name a few. But words also have the frightening potential to bring just the opposite. I think we can all relate to this at one point or another in our lives. The real fun begins when these predisposed categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ words seem to intermingle – when context and intentionality enter the conversation. This is exactly how the word, ‘new’, felt to me.
I think the majority of people would agree ‘new’ offers a positive and exciting connotation. New clothes, new toys, new books. New trips and adventures, new friends and family members. Yet other instances could involve a new school, maybe an unexpected new coach of your sports team, or a new work task you have never done before. From a young age, my most common ‘new’ scenario was a new town, a new house, a new school, and everything that follows. My dad is active duty in the Marine Corps, making this moving experience quite a regular occurrence. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely has its hidden benefits! Experiencing life in so many different places, sight seeing around the country, meeting new friends nationwide, and collecting the best family memories ever. But amidst the fun things are undoubtedly very difficult factors as well – factors that can sometimes feel overlooked by others outside my military circle. I remember several occasions when someone asked me, “Aren’t you so excited to get to your new home? To meet your new teacher and friends and see the new house!” I would usually nod my head timidly, but deep down I knew I felt so far from that description. But it seemed like I was supposed to be happy and eager. What if I truly didn’t feel that way at all?
I’m not exactly the type to love change… All the work of moving an entire house, starting over in a new school with different peers… some might think of it as a thrilling unknown expedition, I thought of it more as a scary tightrope walk, with zero clue of what to expect, much less how to balance myself through all the stressful emotions. Just step out blindly and pray you don’t fall off… well, I think we all can agree life gets a bit too rough at times with all sorts of curve balls and surprises to last very long under that mindset successfully. Which is exactly where I found myself. From the Christian perspective, faith is quite literally an action of ‘stepping out blindly’, but in confidence God will protect and provide in ways only He can, even when we don’t feel the odds are in our favor. I always kept this belief in my heart, but the older I got and the further I ventured through life … the more my vision was clouded to the permanent truth.
I became so focused upon the changing elements around me that I stopped noticing all the things that remained the same. I always wanted to predict the next change, how it would affect me, how I would handle it, each and every outcome of the billion scenarios that flooded my mind. But at the end of the day, I am only human. I spun down a whirlpool of exhaustion so crippling that I nearly gave up on staying afloat. It was easier to let gravity win, easier to stay 6ft under and just go through the motions of my daily routine. But I repeatedly asked myself, “Is this really living?” I knew life had so much potential to be more than my indefinite spiraling, but would that life find me? Was I even capable of living that dream?
Then in comes the COVID-19 pandemic. I was 16yrs old, a junior in high school. I had just moved for the third time in high school the summer before and started out the school year determined to bring positivity back into my life. I had the incredible opportunity to join marching band in the pit percussion section, creating some of my best high school memories and friends. Finally a place where I felt like I belonged, a community to call my own. Senior year would be my chance to end this season of dormant living for good. March 2020 hit with unprecedented force, a force that quickly had us isolated at home, separated from loved ones, and dwelling upon the numerous things we had lost. And as the days, weeks, months, a whole year passed, embracing change turned cold to me again. The idea of looking ahead, anticipating future excitements, felt so empty. One disappointment after another, another delay, another cancellation, another modified “new normal.”
I had hit a breaking point. A dark tunnel with no end in sight. But it’s in these moments where God’s small whispers can seem the loudest. Everything around me felt flipped upside down, but that’s one of the most comforting attributes of the gracious God we serve – He NEVER changes. His love never fails. His mercies never end. His open arms are never too far out of reach. I realized at my lowest that I had lost sight of the sameness of my God. While I saw change as an enemy, He sees change as a piece to a much larger, perfect plan. There wasn’t a single instance of ‘new’ that God didn’t know about, that He didn’t have complete control over. Suddenly the slightest break of sunlight peaked into my mind. A new lifeline of strength and hope was created. But not within my finite self. A new committed bond to my beautiful Savior and a decision to chase after Him no matter how hopeless I felt. And a burning desire to share His light in my life with others.
Fast forward a bit and I’m walking the stage of my high school graduation, with a college journey to Liberty University awaiting me. A new era of my life full of changes and unpredictable hurdles. But a journey I felt excited for nonetheless. I was consumed with a new confidence to take on whatever challenges came my way, with God leading and enabling me to overcome anything I would encounter in the days ahead. We’ll dive deeper into what exactly these future challenges involved for me in coming blog posts… But God’s divine hand was undeniably over every single moment of trial, and I believe whole heartedly that will remain as such throughout my life. Change is still hard, it still has its stinging, ‘heart sunk’ effects to it. But I know the most important thing in my life is unchanging for eternity – and that is my faithful Lord and Savior. I can rest in that (even though ya girl is the worst at slowing down and actually resting well sometimes lol). Guess I should keep working on that one too!
